how to be a person in the world heather havrilesky

Daniel Parker

3 min read

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15-01-2025

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How to Be a Person in the World: Lessons from Heather Havrilesky

Heather Havrilesky, the acclaimed writer behind the advice column "Ask Polly" and the author of "What If This Were Enough?", doesn't offer simple solutions. Instead, she provides a roadmap for navigating the messy, complicated terrain of being human. Her work resonates because it acknowledges the absurdity and the pain, the triumphs and the failures inherent in the lived experience. This article explores key lessons from Havrilesky’s work on how to be a person in the world, embracing the full spectrum of our emotional lives.

Accepting the Messiness of Life

Havrilesky’s writing is a powerful antidote to the curated perfection often presented online. She champions the acceptance of imperfection, urging readers to embrace the messy realities of life. This involves acknowledging that:

• Failure is inevitable: We will make mistakes, experience setbacks, and feel inadequate at times. This is not a sign of weakness, but simply part of the human experience. Havrilesky encourages us to learn from these experiences and move forward with compassion for ourselves.
• Comparison is the thief of joy: Constantly comparing ourselves to others—their achievements, their relationships, their seemingly perfect lives—only fuels self-doubt and unhappiness. Havrilesky advocates for focusing on our own unique journey and celebrating our own accomplishments, no matter how small.
• Self-compassion is crucial: Being kind and understanding towards ourselves, particularly during difficult times, is essential for mental well-being. This involves recognizing our imperfections without judgment and treating ourselves with the same empathy we would offer a friend.

Cultivating Authentic Connections

Havrilesky emphasizes the importance of genuine human connection. This isn't about superficial interactions or seeking validation from others. Instead, it's about:

• Vulnerability and honesty: Sharing our true selves, even our flaws and insecurities, can deepen our relationships with others. This requires courage, but it can lead to more meaningful and fulfilling connections.
• Setting boundaries: Protecting our time, energy, and emotional well-being is crucial. Saying “no” to things that don’t serve us, and establishing healthy boundaries with others, is not selfish; it’s essential for self-preservation.
• Forgiving ourselves and others: Holding onto resentment and anger only hurts us in the long run. Havrilesky encourages letting go of past hurts and embracing forgiveness, both for ourselves and others, as a path to healing and growth.

Finding Meaning in the Mundane

Havrilesky’s work reminds us to find joy and meaning in the everyday. This involves:

• Practicing gratitude: Focusing on the good things in our lives, however small, can shift our perspective and boost our overall well-being.
• Embracing simplicity: Striving for less, rather than more, can alleviate stress and allow us to appreciate the simple pleasures in life.
• Connecting with nature: Spending time outdoors, engaging with the natural world, can be a powerful source of solace and inspiration.

The Power of Self-Acceptance

Ultimately, Havrilesky’s guidance boils down to self-acceptance. This is not about passive resignation; it's about acknowledging our imperfections, embracing our complexities, and striving for a life that aligns with our authentic selves. It’s about recognizing that:

• You are enough: You don't need to achieve perfection or meet anyone else's expectations to be worthy of love and happiness.
• Self-improvement is a journey, not a destination: Personal growth is an ongoing process. There will be ups and downs, progress and setbacks. The important thing is to keep moving forward, with self-compassion and kindness.
• It's okay to not have it all figured out: Life is a complex and unpredictable journey. Embracing the uncertainty and allowing ourselves to feel lost or confused at times is part of the human experience.

Heather Havrilesky's work provides a refreshing and honest perspective on the human condition. By embracing the messiness, cultivating authentic connections, and finding meaning in the mundane, we can learn to be more fully present in our lives and, ultimately, to be more comfortable being ourselves in the world. Her wisdom is a reminder that the journey of being a person in the world is a complex, often challenging, but ultimately rewarding one.